Joni's Story of Integrated Recovery

I'm coming now to the end of my first 10 years in a 12 step program and at the same time my third year as a crossfitter. They are definitely the two most important, life-changing and rewarding things I have found.  

Before getting on the 12 step program I had suffered for years of a debilitating, humiliating and devastating addiction. After years of trying everything I could think of and using all my willpower, wisdom and all other resources to get my addiction under control I was ready to give up and admitted I couldn't stop and stay stopped alone. My first year in recovery was very hard, because I was clinically depressed. I was sure in my mind that I had done permanent damage to my abilities to function as a normal human being and also quite sure that I'd eventually drift back to my addiction like I had done for countless times before.

All of this has slowly changed as I have become an active member in my local 12 step community. At first I joined a group out of desperation and loneliness, but now I feel It's a privilege to be able to share my experiences and help others who are going through the things I have gone through. I've stayed free of my addiction, my depression has eased out year by year and I've grown to have a decent amount of faith that I can steadily continue recovering and take life as it comes.

From early on in my recovery I had a hard time seeing myself as a victim, a patient or otherwise different than the average person, even though I was at the bottom and had failed in every way. I tried to relate to this self image because it was quite common in the people around me at that time and it did help me accept some of the feelings I felt. Feelings like despair, anxiety, utter loneliness and abandonment. I still accept today that I have a condition that makes me prone to my addiction, but otherwise I see myself now as a fully potential and responsible adult. I can relate to the general population and even those that have had a good and successful life.

In my recovery I have of slowly but constantly tried to take more responsibility in my fellowship and outside of it whenever possible and to avoid asking for special treatment. For me trying to get of easy has usually lead to things I don't want in my life any more. To say it another way I felt, and still do, that I'm the one that destroyed my life and it's my responsibility to fix the things I can, take everything as it comes and do what I can to make everything better. This is just my experience and at the same time I do believe in giving myself time and having a merciful attitude towards myself and others.

Crossfit has challenged me in a way that I have not been challenged before. Because of that it has also rewarded me on a level that I had not been touched before. I had done a few years of general weightlifting with my sponsor and later by myself before finding crossfit. I got bored with pumping iron and was looking for something else. At first I had no idea what crossfit was about, other than the fact that it included kettlebells which drew me in. It has taken me a long time to realise everything that crossfit is about and I see it now as a wholesome way of exercise with very healthy goals. This makes it easier for me to look myself in the mirror, compared to how it felt when I was aiming just for big muscles. I still look fit and enjoy it, but more importantly I feel proud to follow a program with high values, am open to new ideas all the time and am very happy to share all that I have learn't with anyone interested.

One thing I also want to share is my attitude to the 12 step program, I've been very cautious of everything that might lead me away from it. Things like medication, religion, therapy and even yoga as a lifestyle. I'm not saying that these things would be wrong which they definitely are not, just that I've been very cautious. I want to say this because even I do not see Crossfit posing this kind of a risk for me. Even though I feel at home in the local Crossfit community I do not feel that it could ever give me any of the things I get from the 12 step program and fellowship. It only ads some important elements to my life and helps me to better practice the principles of my recovery an so to be a better member of society, my family and all other communities that I belong to.

I also have a sponsee that's now a bit over a year into recovery. In addition to giving him all of my experiences from the 12 step program, like joining, being of service, reading the material, active sponsor relationship, taking an inventory and taking responsibility of all things in life, I have also helped him on to a basic weightlifting program with some core strength and mobility exercises added. Later, when he's more ready and if he wants, I'll take him to my local Crossfit box. Just this weekend I initiated him to CrossFit by doing Cindy with him at the basement gym of his rehab. Of course I was better than him and I believe that was an inspirational experience for him rather than anything else. I even told him later that most of the people at my local box are even better than me to give him some idea what he too can achieve. I do this kind of positive sharing with him concerning recovery in the 12 step program almost every time we talk. I can tell you that often he does feel amazed and the look of hope in he's eyes is truly a moving sight.

Thanks for letting me share and hope to see you all someday, recovering and fit.

submitted by: Joni from Finland

Good Luck and God Bless

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